I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she told me i tasted like america
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
