Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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