Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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