Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Holy shit dude........stairs
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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