I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
