Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
