I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
