I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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