I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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