it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
