Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
