it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
