Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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