Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
