I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
