so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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