I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
