plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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