he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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