so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I need a burrito and a hug.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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