he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
