Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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