Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
