My liver just broke up with me...
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
