i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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