sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Randomize
