Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
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