He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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