Just fell off a train. Bad.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize