Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
