You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
