I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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