were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
