I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
