The maid of honor just puked.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize