He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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