I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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