The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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