pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize