why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
