my phone needs a breathalizer
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
is that a dick in a sweater?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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