i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize