I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
