Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
