Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
