I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
