peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
