Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize