also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
