So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
