Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
