Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
