Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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