Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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