wrigley field is MILF paradise
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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