dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
